Valentine

Decode His V-Day Gifts

(Excerpt from February's Cosmopolitan Magazine)

By Jessica Mehalic

Learn what that hooker negligee and lonely single Red Rose really mean. Every present is a statement of how your guys sees you and the relationship, says George Weinberg, PhD, psychotherapist and author of Why Men Won't Commit. Here, Weinberg weighs in on the good, the bad, and the downright uggg-ly.

SWANKY TREATS

Seems dreamy, right? "This is not the most creative gift -- chocolate isn't exactly personal -- but he did extend himself to get the very best. I'd say this is a gift to impress, not one to make you feel truly unique and special."

TRASHY LINGERIE

"Every woman wants her guy to think she's beautiful, so it's disappointing when he gives her something so tasteless. But most men aren't grand masters of distinction between fine silk and polyester. Deem this an innocent failed attempt at telling you how hot you are."

THE TREAT HE'D GIVE HIMSELF

Video games, an extralarge team jersey, and any gadget you'll never learn to use all qualify. "He views you as an extension of himself. There's no sexuality or romance in such an offering. Maybe your relationship hasn't matured yet, so he doesn't know what you really like. Hopefully, he'll learn with time."

BLING-BLING

What girl doesn't love to lift the lid of that jewelry box to discover a little sparkly something? "This can be a very sweet gift as long as he knows that you like and it isn't too early in the relationship. Jewelry means that he sees you as beautiful and wants to let the world know that you're together."

FURRY FRIEND

"He's fallen for the girls-like-sappy-things cliche. However, there could be something behind his gesture. Maybe he got you a stuffed bear because he knows you loved one to shreds as a kid. In this case, there's an element of thoughtfulness."

DELUXE DINNER

He's made reservations far in advance to ensure that you're wined and dined like a princess. "He worked hard and clearly wants this night to be another wonderful memory the two of you share together and is anticipating many more great times to come."

THE BUDGET BOUQUET

"Here, the significance is in the giving. If he presents it matter-of-factly and moves on, then the gesture screams obligation. But if he giddily urges you to put the lame bud in water, then the spirit is right, though the token is lacking."

THE "Gee...Thanks" GIFT

Think tickets to Lord of the Dance (you've never expressed interest in it), a gym membership (what is he saying?), or sushi lessons (Hello! You're allergic to fish). "Obviously, he needs to pay more attention to your interests, but he gets some points for creativity. Although he's way off the mark, he's picturing what might make you happy."

SIGNS CUPID SHOT YOU IN THE ASS

(Excerpt from February's Cosmopolitan Magazine)

By Riann Smith

Sometimes love strikes and you don't even know it...yet. Behold the clues you're falling Hard.

Every Cosmo girl can admit to a time when she's fallen mental-ward crazy in love with a guy. (That's easy.) But then there's that other, trickier occasion when an attraction just creep-creep-creeps up on you and it's so dang subtle, you don't let yourself acknowledge how hooked you really are (Who, him? Naahh.) Well, honey, wake up and smell the Cupid. We're here to tell you that if you're subconsciously making any of the moves we've spelled out below, you're gonna need a professional's help to dislodge that throbbing love arrow from your you-know-where:

01. He casually mentions that he likes Radiohead. Within a week, you've somehow acquired the band's entire collection.

02. Curiously, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Luke Wilson, and Christian Bale all seem to leave you colder than a meat locker.

03. You Google him for no particular reason. Who knew he won his high school swim tournament? Or that his college economics class met Tuesdays and Thursdays?

04. You find yourself working his name into every possible conversation. Such as, "Omigosh, you're going skiing this weekend? That's so funny, because John told me he loves hot chocolate."

05. You read his horoscope.

06. You get into these weird wrestling matches or try-to-slide-an-ice-cube-down-the-other-person's-shirt escapades that wind up with both of you in hysterics on the floor. Platonic fun? Sure, babe, keep telling yourself that.

07. When you see him talking to another girl, you can't help thinking how obvious she's being and how, gosh, if she keeps being so forward, he's going to have to take out some sort of restraining order.

08. You've given him a nickname that's absolutely ridiculous.

09. Whenever you spot him from behind, an insanely annoying urge overtakes you to knock his baseball cap off or cover his eyes and say, "Guess whooooo?"

10. All of his jokes make you laugh like Julia Roberts on crack. Even the stupid ones.

11. It takes you no less than 47 minutes to compose an e-mail or text message to him (proofread by friends) that reads, "Hey, what are you up to this weekend?"

12. Your annoying boss? Doesn't seem to bug you at the moment. No hot water this morning? Feels refreshing.

13. You look over your monthly bank balance and realize the cash you always used to blow on sweatpants, DVD's, and fat-free potato chips has strangely been diverted into the Lingerie, Girlie Purfume, and Body Hair Removal Fund.

14. You bump into that beautiful-jerk ex you swore you'd never forgive and say, "Hey, how are you?" without a hint of irony.

15. You accidentally get a peek of a sliver of his lower abs and happy trail as he's pulling off his sweater and realize your mouth is half open.

16. If you don't get the chance to exchange good-byes with him before a long weekend, you get cranky.

17. You're partying like a tequila-drenched rock star at the same bar he's at. When he announces that he's tired and he's taking off, a funny thing happens five minutes later: You realize that (yawn!) you're tired too and head home.

18. Then, when you're at home, under the covers, you can't help but wonder what exactly he's wearing to bed (boxers, pj's, some slutty girl from the bar?). Not because you actually care, but just because, well, you're naked yourself and oddly, you can't seem to think of anything else. Time to put on the Radiohead...

THINGS YOU THINK THEY (men) LOVE BUT THEY REALLY LOATHE

(Excerpt from February's Cosmopolitan Magazine)

Source: Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D. and American Greetings

01. Ball Busting

Just because he and his buddies make a regular show of slinging light-hearted insults back and forth doesn't mean that he wants you to totally dig into him about his cheesy pillow talk or his challenged fashion sense. You might think that you're being obviously tongue-in-cheek and his ego can handle it, but he takes your sarcastic banter to heart.

02. Fake Flattery

When it comes to praise, guys value quality over quantity. Don't shower him with compliments on something he knows is not true just to butter him up. Faux fawning will only lead him to lose trust in you. Why? He'll feel as though he's being manipulated or subtly made fun of, and he'll begin to second-guess everything you say from then on.

03. "Manly" Bouquets

You love flowers, so he'll love flowers, right? Wrong. Men hate gestures that come with any strings attached. When you give him roses or hand him chocolates, he feels like you're trying to subliminally tell him that you want these things from him. Plus, receiving froufrou gifts is just way too much of a gender swap for a red-blooded stud to bear.

04. Sucking Up

You have a fabulous idea: Make him his favorite brownies as a special surprise. So you covertly call his mom for her "world famous" recipe, knowing he'll love them, but also knowing that she'll then love You for turning to her. But going behind his back will blow up in your face -- especially if you're not that close with his clan yet.

05. Love Letters

Men are uncomfortable with long-winded sentimental notes. It makes them panic about having to return the emotional gesture -- and you know guys hate getting gushy. Instead, men respond to short messages, and one-liners, such as "I love you. It's as simple and sweet as that." Or "XOXOX...and there's more where that came from!"